Monday, June 29, 2009

Samuel L. Chemo

We are in round two of aggressive chemotherapy.

I feel compelled to continually use that modifier, simply because I only imagine that if our protocol is described to us in that manner, then others must be hearing modifiers as well. Modifiers less -- or more -- threatening than aggressive. Like mild or moderate -- or perhaps, intense.

Or is mild chemotherapy an oxymoron?

And, is calling chemotherapy intense simply redundant?

I also can't help but anthropomorphize aggressive. When I hear it, I think aggressive personality. And then I can't help but wonder if, like personalities, there are assertive, vivacious, friendly, or even shy chemotherapies.

But would you want a shy chemo?

"Um, hello. Uh, hi there ... If it's not too much trouble, Mr. Rogue Cancer cell, um, er, would you mind ... but only if it's OK with you ... would you, um, mind, uh ... just going away? Please? No? Um, but, listen ... I'm just trying to do my job. Come on, please don't make me have to go back and tell my boss that I can't get you to leave. Really. 'Cause he'll wanna come on in here himself, and um, well, uh ... he's kinda ... um, mean. OH! How mean? Um, he's uh ... well ... um, well ... I don't know if I can say. What? Well, um, yeah, I can say, but, um, uh, I feel kinda funny using that, um, uh ... well, language. What? Well, if you really wanna know, my boss is ... well ... um, uh ... My boss is well, um ... he's a meanie. Are you laughing at me? OK. Well then, I'll just say it. OK. My boss is an um, uh ... (blushes) ... um, uh ... an a-hole. OK. You made me say it. Are you happy? Now, please Mr. Rogue Cancer cell, would you please just let me do my job? Would you please just go away? OK, now you're laughing again. That's not cool. Really. You know, you're kinda ... um, uh ... well, you're kinda an a-hole, too. Quit laughing at me! What? You want to meet my boss? Um ... well ... I guess I could go back and tell him ... OK. I'll send him in."

No. Just no.

For this job, I want aggressive:
"Get the fuck out ... DID I STUTTER? GET. THE. FUCK. OUT."

Yeah. That's more like it.

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