Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Decisions. Decisions.

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, asks Tilly, "Who ya gonna be, Mom?"

And I say... "Hm. I'm working on it. I really am."

And CatCon chimes in with: "Normally, I like to mock you in the midst of your navel-gazing ... What?! You didn't KNOW that?"

(Well. Yes. Yes, I did. I just never heard her actually admit it.)

"But," she continued. (Of course she continued.) "You've had your share of shit to wade through."

Uh, what?

"Seriously. You seriously think I ONLY think about ME?"

(It has been a lifelong desire of mine to be able to pull off a well timed one-eyebrow raise. Moments like these are why. A practically audible eye roll sufficed.)

"OK. Point taken. But I only exist in your imagination, so by default, thinking about me IS thinking about you."

Damn her and her logic.

Tilly concurred. Damn her and HER logic. (And damn if I'm not jealous of HER ability to raise a derisive eyebrow.)

"So?" In unison, no less.

"You're stronger than you think. And you're smarter than you know. And I think I stole that quote from Pooh, but he and I are tight. He'd be cool with it."

"Anyway," CatCon continued. "Life sure as hell may have shown you that it's not fair and it can be cut way too short way too quickly. And you sure as hell have done a damn good job of hiding from living these past two years. A damn good job. But — odds are pretty damn good that you're gonna be here for a while. So who are you going to be? And how are you going to live? Because. You. Are. Going. To. Live. And — what if you don't? What if life once again proves to be cut way too short way too fast? How do you want to be remembered? As you lived? Or that you chose not to? To just exist?"

At this point, we're past eyebrow raising. I'm in awe. Mouth agape. Ah-gape.

"Stop it," she said. "Stop being so shocked that serious thoughts actually roll around in my pretty little head."

That sounded more like the CatCon I knew.

"And stop being so hard on yourself. Yeah. I know what you think. You think you've already failed because it's still so hard. Guess what? It's always going to be hard. It will get easier. But it may never get EASY. But guess what else? You're still here. And you're moving forward. And shut your damn mouth before a bug flies in it."

I did.

And then I asked her what inspired this rare foray into adult thought.

She replied: "Because I'm stronger than you think. And I'm smarter than you know."

And Tilly nodded as CatCon slipped back into the persona with which I'm far more familiar and said, "Duh. I'm you."

Damn them and their logic.

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